So, Michael, what’s the deal with bad chocolate? Are you some kind of superhero?

If you’ve ever bothered to look at the url on my blog, you’ll no doubt have noticed my bizarrely specific motto. Stop Bad Chocolate. I believe as strongly as a religious person believes in their imaginary friend that Bad Chocolate is a societal menace.

Everyone has a pet peeve, right? With my mother, it’s tattoos. For some reason, they drive her absolutely crazy. If you have a tattoo, no matter how tasteful, you’re suddenly off her good list. Permanently. For my grandmother, it’s shirts that don’t have buttons. You could pair up the nicest T shirt in the world with the most ghastly dress shirt from Marshall’s of all places, and she’d go for the buttons every time. She doesn’t seem to have any perspective on pattern, color, aesthetic, or any of the really important factors. She judges people on buttons and buttons alone.


Keeping all that in the back of your mind, you shouldn’t be totally surprised that I also have a concrete, black and white rule for judging people. I blame biology, but not in the sense that I actually feel bad about it. I’ve rarely been wrong with this. Chocolate is a gauge of a person’s character.


If someone eats bad chocolate, you can tell so many things about them. You know they don’t care about quality. You know they will sacrifice any of their principles for a bargain. You know they have no taste for intrigue, depth, or personality.


How am I jumping to all these conclusions, you may ask? It’s all rooted in concrete facts.


If someone buys and eats bad chocolate, they’re willfully supporting one of the most harmful industries in the world. They’re ignoring the fact that chocolate is a luxury product and it costs money to grow and produce. Supporting Good Chocolate is one of the biggest industries to drive social justice change voting with your dollar.


Bad Chocolate is also offensive because, frankly, it’s disgusting. It’s sickening sweet, so all you taste is sugar, not cacao. It’s loaded with artificial flavors that don’t even taste like vanilla, or hazelnut, or whatever else it’s supposed to have. When someone buys something like Lindt that says “artisan” but is full of artificial ingredients, you can be sure that they lack critical thinking skills


Bad Chocolate promotes blandness. Boring people and boring people alone buy Bad Chocolate. Nobody else is satisfied by the disgusting plainness of “milk” chocolate from Hershey’s or one of those other trashy brands.


Not only does it make bad people, Bad Chocolate ruins Good Chocolate. Good Chocolate should be amazing, with complex flavors, a balance of sweet and tangy bitterness, and with ingredients that exude truth and authenticity. It supports local, ethical economies in the countries where it’s produced. It’s something you can have a conversation over, not something you just stuff in a Christmas stocking because it was on sale.

Think of it like wine, it’s a popularized delicacy that’s been dumbed down for the masses. Would you buy the cheapest boxed wine you could find? I don’t think so. Would you consider Barefoot worthy of your time? Looking at you, college girls. No. Step away from the junky chocolate and run screaming from the pseudo-gourmet shelf.
This is totally how I judge people. And I feel justified. Join me. Stop Bad Chocolate!